I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
