All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
