meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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