We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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