Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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