I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize