It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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