I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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