So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
