i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
