Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
