There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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