Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
