You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
