New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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