did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
