He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
