Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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