When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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