I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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