Apparently you make a good broom.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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