I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
then he tried to convert me to islam
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
