dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
