I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
