Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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