I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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