You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
