my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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