i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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