those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
