I think I won the penis lottery.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
