dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
