4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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