I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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