On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
