i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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