you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
