Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
