I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
