My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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