I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was not drunk enough for that final.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
