Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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