I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
