the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
