youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
