Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
