If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
