Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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