Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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