She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
