my phone needs a breathalizer
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
