i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
