I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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