I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
