yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
