Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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